The Point of Beginning

A long time ago, I started this new life. I stepped out of very dark shadows, into a hope and a promise. My mind was sharp then, and I had a lot more energy too.And I thought I could build connections. I thought that's what people did. I naievely look at all the poeple in the world and saw them all connecting, some poorly, and thought that if you just paid attention and worked at it...that what happened. You got connected.

I stepped out of a place so dark, and so lonely, it literally made me crazy. I mean, verbal halucinations, paranoid seeing conspiracies to do me harm all around me, crazy. Into this ...belief state? ...world view? I thought I rememebred making friendship grow..making love grow...making connections deepen and broaden.

I guess I should say that I was always, from the beginning isolated. I think, more than most people. I always lived in my head, but I'd find somebody to partner up with and do things...play, make up games, stories, wander around in a imaginary world being in my "molecule ship" so small I could pass thru a tree, or a person or whatever.. whoever my partner was, we'd slowly walk around describing the perils around us. If the tree trunck went between is we had gone thru it...otherwise we'd skirted it narrowly, averting possible dangers. In my head, but connected to my play partner, my puzzle working partner, my story telling partner.

One on one, it was easy for me that way, to connect.

I knew I was alone in groups, seperated by my difference, that being that Ilived in my head...not anything else was so different. I liked floating in the pool, or sitting still submerged beneath the water's surface...where it was quiet and still. Safe, uncluttered, uneventful.

And I think, I thought that would be workable. A way to live. I could find work partners and play partners. I could connect thru those channels. But the truth was I never really had connected like I thought I was.

People were necessarily seperate. Its just that, growing up people learn that some way I missed. I missed schol that day, and you can't teach a lesson like that years and years later and learn it really, I am sad to say. You spend far too long thinking the world worked a different way, and now you're just hung out there...a big stupid blank face, surprised at how alien the world really is to you.

I found that out, partly, when I discovered I hadn't even had that connection with my sister. Her marriage was messed up and couldn't help because I didn't even have a conenction to the real her. Just this connection belief in my head. And then she got cancer and died, and I was so hurt...so cut off suddenly. I didn't know what to do..or if I even should try. She had so many friends and they were so connected, that was plain, she conencted with so many people. But I couldn't even understand how to visit her, *how* to do any of the things I did do to help. She hugged me, she said she loved me, I know she did love me. But I don't know, even now, what that means. What was I supposed to do? How ws I supposed to do...whatever...so i would be connected to her too, like I had grown up believing I was?

And what now here? Am I a parent? I don't know how to be. If I'm a child of parents I am a poor one, I don't know how to do that either. How do I make these connections?

I think I don't. I think this is my being enmeshed, co-dependant.

But now my body is taken away from me too, and my mind. I am not social. I don't know if I ever can be. I don't know if I am even supposed to want to be. And I am no longer me internally, either. Theres been so many losses for so long.

And I fear that no matter what I do, now, my life is on rails.

I find myself consumed by the fear of inevitability, by choicelessness. But the fear is I wont be able to change my self. And if I do change my self...why would I want that? To accept I am alone in my head and necessarily always will be because that's what normal people call growing up, and I have to grow up sooner or later, and until I do I'll just be stuck right where I am?

Stuck where the best option i can think of, the only way for me to possibly find any joy today, is to go to a virtual world and be an avatar.

I don't like me.

Is my connecting, that need-to-partner, co-dependant enmeshed pathology? Will I never be happy...on my own? Only happy thru others?

On nights like the other night there's a cracking I feel beneath me, the weakness I feel like I am skating on thin ice -- over the feelings I feel every time somebody speaks to me here, every time there's a chore to be done, or a help I need to give, swallows me up. Some days I curse every time I move, I say in my head the foulest insults to the people I love the most, screaming internally at their just making that same booboo...saying "to the left" when they mean right. I mean...even if they are stupid, why do I rage so evily at them? I will never make them get right from left, I will never make them stick to a plan we agreed on, no matter how many hours we debate it and plan it and how many plans I draw, or rules fo phsyics I explain...nothing willmake them get it, and so my punishing them for it in my head, every single time they do it now...poisons me, and I know it murders them. I know it shows in my eyes. I know the Mountain Range of anger stacked up in me and straining to flood forth is no excuse, and I am responsible for harming the innocents I love most in this world.

And the morning comes. And I am skating again.

And now you know.

And if you don't run screaming into the hills, you're a fool. Because no good will come of knowing me.